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Dave Barry Quotes

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"The Internet: Transforming Society and Shaping the Future Through Chat."

"Talking about golf is always boring. Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart."

"For many years the National Pretend Speed Limit was fifty-five miles per hour, metric equivalent: 378 kilograms per hectare."

"The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other."

"Software: These programs give instruction to the CPU, which processes billions of tiny facts called bytes, and within a fraction of a second it sends you an error message that requires you to call the customer-support hot line and be placed on hold for approximately the life-span of a caribou."

"Congress, after years of stalling, finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to possible formal talks that could potentially produce some kind of tentative agreements."

"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl."

"The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - "to spew out paper.""

"Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling."

"If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word."

"Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators."

"Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.""

"The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire."

"Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects."

"The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition."

"A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp."

"If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most people would: nuclear war, global warming and Windows."

"The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television."

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base."

"Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath."

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