Emo Philips Quotes

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"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas."

"Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something."

"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks."

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."

"My girlfiend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'."

"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
Forgiveness

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
Funny

"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."

"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."

"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them."

"I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.""

"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.""

"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."

"I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse.""

"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."