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Emo Philips Quotes

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"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them."

"I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?""

"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."

"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."

"I'm a great lover, I'll bet."

"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."

"People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?""

"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil."

"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."

"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas..."

"Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something..."

"You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back."

"I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'"

"The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks."

"In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some."

"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."

"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."

"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi."

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