Erma Bombeck Quotes
"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me"."
"Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago."
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
"One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is."
"God created man, but I could do better."
"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence."
"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me";"
"What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?"
"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth."
"For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward."
"Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving."
"You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home."
"I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order."
"I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair."
"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."
"There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, "Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams." Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they're still there."
"If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it."
"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other."
"There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child."
"Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead."
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