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Erma Bombeck Quotes

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"In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television."

"Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely."
Dreams

"It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else."
Dreams

"When humor goes, there goes civilization."
Humor

"It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding."

"There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt."

"Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, it's unplanned, it's full of surprises."

"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage."

"All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them."

"Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you."

"Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you."

"Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments."

"Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?"

"Education is so important when it comes to domesticity. I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows."

"Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" "Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" "Wasn't there any change?""

"For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy."

"Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it."

"Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-raising, they are unemployed."

"Have you any idea how many kids it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, "What light?" and two more to say, "I didn't turn it on.""

"House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad."

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