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Erma Bombeck Quotes

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"Myths that need clarification: "Everyone in California lives on a white, sandy beach." False. The only people who live on California beaches are vacationers from Arizona, Utah, and Nevada who own condos."

"Myths that need clarification: "No matter how many times you see the Grand canyon, you are still emotionally moved to tears." False. It depends on how many children the out-of-towners brought with them who kicked the back of your seat from Phoenix to Flagstaff and got their gum caught in your hair."

"Never accept a drink from a urologist."

"Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated."

"Never have more children than you have car windows."

"Never order food in excess of your body weight."

"No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick."

"No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday."

"On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings."

"Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time."

"People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow."

"Phrases and their actual meanings: "My teacher has never liked me." Expect a phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you that your child has been launching hot dogs by compressing them inside a small Thermos and then removing the lid quickly."

"Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip."

"Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead."

"Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy."

"Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. Erma Bombeck"

"The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?""

"There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo."

"There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it."

"When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911."

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