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Erma Bombeck Quotes

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"When it comes to cooking, five years ago I felt guilty "just adding water." Now I want to bang the tube against the countertop and have a five-course meal pop out. If it comes with plastic silverware and a plate that self-destructs, all the better."

"When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."

"Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother."

"Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old."

"Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub."

"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."

"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."

"I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, "Never mind! I'll do it myself.""

"It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows."

"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."

"A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend-and he's a priest."

"In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."

"Great dreams... never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line, to hold them up and say, "How good or how bad am I?" That's where courage comes in."
Art

"Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, "A house guest," you're wrong because I have just described my kids."

"How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?"

"I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars."

"My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?"

"Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go."

"There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M."

"A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat."

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