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George Carlin Quotes

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"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."

"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."

"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past."

"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

"The status quo sucks."

"Think off-center."

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, andanyone going faster than you is a moron."

"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."

"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."

"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."

"I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it."

"I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away."

"I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect."

"In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first."

"When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?"

"When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent."

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