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Groucho Marx Quotes

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"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."

"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."

"I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book."

"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook."

"Humor is reason gone mad."

"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."

"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."

"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."

"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."

"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."

"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."

"The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths."

"When I was young I was amazed at Plutarch's statement that the elder Cato began at the age of eighty to learn Greek. I am amazed no longer. Old age is ready to undertake tasks that youth shirked because they would take too long."

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

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