Home The Mine of Useless Information - everything you never needed to know!

Milton Berle Quotes

"I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting."

"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

"I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are."

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door."

"Laughter is an instant vacation."

"You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."

"A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours."

"A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"."

"The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring."

"Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient."

"A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, "Are you comfortable?" The man answers, "I make a nice living.""

"Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name."

© 2006 The Mine of Useless Information