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P. J. O'Rourke Quotes

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"Children must be considered in a divorce considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue."

"When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators."
Politics

"If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult."

"Never wear anything that panics the cat."

"Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it."

"Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys."
Government

"Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us."
Government

"The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to."

"Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power."

"The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it."
Politics

"You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money."

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible."

"I suppose I should get a VCR, but the only thing I like about television is its ephemerality."

"The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person."

"Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective."

"A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat."

"Never fight an inanimate object."

"Children from the age of five to ten should watch more television. Television depicts adults as rotten SOB's, given to fistfights, gunplay, and other mayhem. Kids who believe this about grownups aren't likely to argue about bedtime."

"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them."

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences."

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