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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

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"Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about"

"My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend"

"I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out."
Sports

"They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another."

"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table."

"At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't."

"Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about."

"Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself."

"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."

"I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me."

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all."

"Life is just a bowl of pits."

"We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together."

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

"I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself."

"I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people."

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!"

"My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was."

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