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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

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"My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it."

"A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home."

"Men who do things without being told draw the most wages."

"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too."

"I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest."

"Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'"

"With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me."

"With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!"

"When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up."

"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife."

"What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm."

"This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me."

"The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest."

"Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid."

"One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control."

"On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me."

"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light."

"My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive."

"My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home."

"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair."

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