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Steven Wright Quotes

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"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..."

"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..."

"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it..."

"On the other hand, you have different fingers."

"My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out."

"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."

"I like to reminisce with people I don't know."

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."

"I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."

"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything."

"What's another word for Thesaurus?"

"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"

"I have an existential map. It has You are here written all over it."

"Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth with braces on them."

"George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk."

"One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world."

"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."

"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."

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