Funny Quotes

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"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."
Albert Einstein

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
Albert Einstein

"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live."
Bob Hope

"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
Bill Cosby

"There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them."
Casey Stengel

"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl."
Dave Barry

"I rant, therefore I am."
Dennis Miller

"It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate."
Dave Barry

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
Emo Philips

"People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant."
Ellen DeGeneres

"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is."
Ellen DeGeneres

"What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?"
Fred Allen

"Television is a medium because anything well done is rare."
Fred Allen

"You're only has good as your last haircut."
Fran Lebowitz

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."
George Carlin

"I spent a year in that town, one Sunday."
George Burns

"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
George Carlin

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."
Groucho Marx

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
Groucho Marx

"You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog."
Harry S. Truman