"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live."
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
"There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them."
"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl."
"I rant, therefore I am."
"It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate."
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
"People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant."
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is."
"What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?"
"Television is a medium because anything well done is rare."
"You're only has good as your last haircut."
"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."
"I spent a year in that town, one Sunday."
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog."
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