Funny Quotes

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"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor."
Joan Rivers

"Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day."
Jay Leno

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
Lily Tomlin

"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"
Lily Tomlin

"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?"
Lily Tomlin

"There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist."
Mark Twain

"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together."
Oprah Winfrey

"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name."
Paula Poundstone

"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."
Rita Rudner

"I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead."
Samuel Goldwyn

"My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."
Spike Milligan

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
Steven Wright

"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
Steven Wright

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
Steven Wright

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally."
W. C. Fields

"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
W. C. Fields

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
Woody Allen

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
Woody Allen

"He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house."
Zsa Zsa Gabor