"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor."
"Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day."
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"
"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?"
"There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist."
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together."
"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name."
"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."
"I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead."
"My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally."
"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house."
|© 2006 The Mine of Useless Information|